I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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