at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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