I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
