I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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