And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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