my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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