I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
