im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My dick has a subreddit
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
