DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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