im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
