Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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