Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
