Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
