I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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