A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
