i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Floor bacon is actually really good
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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