Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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