I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
