She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
