My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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