Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Someone came in the potted fern
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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