i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
