Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
