Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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