Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
