I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
