dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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