mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
