Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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