As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
They took my balls.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
