This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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