im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
