You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
