It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
