The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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