wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
