Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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