so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
