can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
