I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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