hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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