Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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