Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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