You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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