Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
