I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
