Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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