can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
