i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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