why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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