I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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