just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
